« passenger | main | the unbearable lightness of leather »

the creamiest

i cried in the car on the way home from work. i cried because i felt so very lame and so very squandered.

it all came about when i discovered that a new attorney (younger than me) had been involved with an organization i myself had been involved with in high school. i thought, "hey, neat." then i read a bit further and learned that other attorneys (at least one younger than me and at least one older) had also been members. the new attorney had described the organization as only taking "the cream of the crop" (an expression i have never liked). i felt like i was reading a press release, it was so perky.

and then i stopped and really thought about it. at one time we were all on the same level. where are we now?

i am not disappointed with my life. in general, i am not unhappy. i have a wonderful husband and child, a beautiful home, a decently paying job. i am close to my mother, even though she occasionally infuriates me. my in-laws are the sweetest, most normal people i know. i have long-lasting friendships. we all have our health. still, every once in a while i feel like i sold myself short.

i didn't want to move back to the south bay without having made it -- in my own quiet way, i wanted to be local girl makes good. well, i didn't make it. or maybe i did and i'm setting unreasonable standards. who can say? usually it doesn't eat at me too much, but when i'm feeling stung like this, when it comes down to it, i feel like i wasted my own potential and i don't entirely know where i went wrong. laziness or fear of failure?

could i have been an attorney? could i have been somebody? i don't know. i'll never know. by the end of the weekend, i'm sure i won't even be bothered anymore, but it's moments like these that remind me that even this wonderfully placid existence i've created for myself sometimes chafes.

categories

archives

powered by movable type 4.12