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harmless

had a strange dream last night. dreamt about an old college friend. nothing particularly scandalous -- in fact, what made it strange was more or less just the fact that he was in it.

but thinking about this old friend reminded me of a time -- not too long after joel and i split up -- when we had half-jokingly decided that we were going to have a grand old one night stand. in december of 1997, after my final classes were over and done, i planned to take a trip to new york to celebrate. i was going to buy a one-way ticket, stay there for as long as friends could stand my semi-permanent houseguest status, then figure out a way back home. part of that plan was to stop in vegas and get a job as a cocktail waitress. (i'm still bummed that never happened.) but then cam came along and put an end to all of my foolish fancies. sure, i still went on my trip, but it only lasted three weeks and i had a round-trip ticket.

the friend and i ultimately decided the one night stand thing would have been too weird. we still sort of identified each other as the significant others of friends, so instead of engaging in hot sex without strings, we just hung out and smoked and drank and ate takeout on the sofabed and watched tv. (we also checked out a gay club for fun, but ditched it pretty quick.) oh well. every once in a while i miss that friend. he was fun. i liked having a harmless flirty friendship. (when i started working, i was horrified to learn that flirty didn't usually mean harmless anymore. i guess the closer you get to adulthood, the more literal you have to be. hello, sticky situations!)

i have no idea what this friend is up to these days, and really, i think i like it that way. i like to think of the last time we were together -- him sleepy and rumpled in the gray light of dawn, me standing in the doorway of his apartment with my backpack on my shoulders, ready to head out into street. we were young, we were adventurous, we were saying goodbye. for good.

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