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tearful

this morning i felt worn out, even though i had gone to sleep fairly early last night. (the heat is kicking my ass. exhausting. i haven't stayed up past 11 all weekend.) part of the reason for my malaise was that paul had slept poorly yet rejected me at every turn. "no, go 'way! daddy! me want daddy!" it's stressful. even though i should be glad he was demanding cam's attention instead of mine -- so that i could sleep -- i still have this idea that i'm responsible for his nighttime care. i guess it's tied to our breastfeeding days.

when i got up this morning, paul was rolling around and whimpering. i picked him up and he smacked me in the head. "go 'way! go 'way! no! daddy!" so i put him down and went to the bathroom. when i came back, he decided he wanted to go with me. it was a very difficult hour. he didn't want to do anything i wanted to do -- he didn't even really want to do much other than be carried around and complain. twice i felt so awful i broke down.

me: i feel terrible. i want to cry.
paul: no!
me: [crying]
paul: sorry! sorry! sorry!
me: [crying]
paul: sorry! [rubbing my face vigorously] wiping stuff off your face.
me: okay, thank you.

it's only about 8. i hope the rest of the day isn't going to be like this.

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