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last night i had a lot to do, but failed to accomplish hardly anything at all because of circumstances beyond my control. i'm not used to feeling at home like my hands are tied. it was upsetting. i started to hyperventilate. my mother was making me anxious. i wanted to go to sleep, but i couldn't because it was only 8-something and cam and paul weren't home.

i hope tonight is better. i don't need that kind of weird panic -- i don't even know why i reacted that way.

one of the things i had hoped to do was put together one of my mom's new bookcases. i've been on a tear with her house lately. just last saturday we dropped a bunch of cash at ikea for three new bonde bookcases with doors. (they were delivered on sunday. sunday delivery? and we had no choice? we should all be so unlucky.) my mom's house is so small that her multiple pieces of small furniture were making the place look supercramped. the hope is that these three large casegoods will contain just about all of the clutter and she'll be able to dump most of her smaller pieces. we'll see. last night we removed a hazardous wall-heater and carried out a little table and a vcr tape-cab -- which is not a bad start, but i really had my heart set on setting up a bookcase.

my mom tried to help me move a bookcase box, but she couldn't lift it even a few inches without almost dropping it on me. when i said that cam would help later, she made skeptical sounds because he's still suffering from back pain. i think i nearly popped at that point.

me: if he can't lift more than a senior citizen or his diminutive wife, we're in trouble.

what else was i going to do if cam couldn't help? i told her i'd just pile stuff on paul's wagon and wheel everything over -- just like i did with paul's bed. (hey, i had to get the pieces from the living room to paul's room somehow.) at that point, she made the conversation about her -- "and then paul wanted ME to take it apart again" -- so i just closed my eyes and tried to breathe.

when paul and cam came home, they instantly improved the atmosphere, but the hyperventilating didn't really quite for a few hours more. i craved a cigarette and an inhaler. if tonight starts to move in that direction again, i'm going to bed no matter what time it is.



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