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unsmiling

i don't know why, but i've been feeling really terrible lately. not sickly, not physically pained (although i am really tired), but just miserable. i just want to cry and cry and cry.

i'm so useless these days.

i can barely keep an eye on paul, and his preference for everyone but me is really blindingly clear. i try not to be hurt by it because i know he's just reacting to my own behavior, but it does still wound me.

my house is a mess. i have so many ideas, but absolutely no follow-through.

i haven't been following my diet the last few days.

i don't feel like i'm ready for another child in my house at all.

some days i get to feeling like i need a break, but honestly, with the little amount of caretaking i'm providing either my husband or my child, i might as well already be on vacation.

i wish i could control this unhappiness. it doesn't hit me at work, so maybe that's key. maybe i need to just keep so busy that i don't have time to dwell. i hate being a whiner.

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