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secret voice

every once in a while i revisit my decision to make my blog semi-secret. i'm hardly anonymous (god, just google "grace cam paul"), but i do try to keep last names out of it. i haven't told my family (aside from cam, of course, and i've alluded to it to my mother, who is not exactly net savvy) about this blog, and i think i've only told two friends. as a result, i feel pretty free to write what i want. a long time ago, cam told me that if i would feel like there were things i couldn't write about if certain people were reading it, then i shouldn't tell those certain people. i've taken that to heart. yes, i am linked off joel's blog, but my teenytiny share of that audience is far enough away from my life that i don't feel too constrained.

but sometimes -- like with the new facebook obsession i've been nuturing -- i start to think that it wouldn't be so bad to be more public. maintaining a "private" blog can be a little lonely, especially when you know people that are much, much more open about their writing endeavors. i don't get to express any public pride or joy in my blog, and sometimes that is much more difficult to bear than i would have thought.

sometimes i want to share a post with people because i know it will amuse them, but then i have to draw back at the last minute because people aren't stupid and i can't afford to have them read anything other than what i've hand-picked. taking text from a page and pasting it into an email -- that is the safer way to do it, but there's something so weird about that. "hey, check out this thing i wrote... um, for the sake of writing."

but i can tamp these feelings down. i've done it before and i will do it over and over again. this blog is not private, but it's not really public, either.

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