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severed

a couple of weeks ago my best friend at work blew up at me. i guess my whining got to be too much. the attack came out of nowhere, i thought. but i suspect i don't want to examine the whys too closely.

we've sort of moved on and have resumed contact, but we're nowhere near where we've been over the last 6-7 years. it's getting better now, but there are still half a million times a day when i think, "oh, i should tell him about this," or "OMG, that person pissed me off... i'm going to go vent to him," or "he'll love this; can't wait until he gets out of the meeting so i can tell him," and then i realize we're not quite on those terms anymore. in the first week, it happened two million times a day, so... improvement. he still messages me when crazy things happen to him, but i am so, so gunshy right now. i had decided to stop complaining to him so much before the explosion, so i have really been making the effort to be ms. zen ALL THE TIME around him. because i used him as my outlet (not that it was all one-sided; i was clearly his outlet, too), i swallow a lot more work stress and grief than i had in the past, but nobody likes a whiner. (indeed, my assistant says i've been "off the charts" this week in terms of bringing the funny.)

i told the boss about the "break-up," and he was very sad. he thinks he can fix the relationship by taking us out to dinner or drinks, which is very sweet.

my friend and i used to talk nonstop. the emails were a steady stream--multiple chains going on at once. when the firm introduced office communicator, the emails stopped, more or less, but we were constantly in touch. i suppose my productivity has gone up even as my spirits have gone down.

cam and i are supposed to attend his wedding in hawaii next summer, but i am now seriously wondering if we'll recover in time. it feels melodramatic to say that, but these are melodramatic times. even when we didn't agree, we've never been this distant. sometimes the grief is a little overwhelming.

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