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i wish i knew what it was to follow my passion.

(cue "follow your bliss." oh, cosmic thing.)

i know a yoga instructor... well, i happen to be related to a yoga instructor. after many years of this and that, she turned that lovelight into something she could DO. for a living, i think. and people she loves have supported her, and well, she seems--from my very, very distant vantage point--to be blossoming.

but when one's skills lie in... problem-solving, the putting out of completely stupid fires, administration, for crissakes, what to do?

i can't turn a love of fanfiction into life's work, not when i don't write it. i'm not good with people, not skilled at... much. i adore too many things i know very little about. i can't convert a kinda-sorta facility with cooking into a food blog that will get me a book deal. no one in their right minds would pay to read an lfc book, either with recipes or without. if i ever had a moment in which it would have been smart to capitalize on past tragedies and life lessons learned, well, that would have passed ages ago. i was a bright kid, maybe. a diligent student. not setting the world on fire with my brilliance. barely getting through math. told through grad school that i had a good combative streak but i folded too easily. i was a more interesting kid than an adult.

(the mentor's reaction to my disclosure that i read on death and dying when i was 11? priceless.)

my views of the world are narrow and shallow. if it's not funny, chances are i know nothing of it. chances are i know nothing of it, anyway.

the only thing to move me to tears these days is the growth of my children and the feeling that work is shit.

what does it mean to think something so strongly, feel something so deeply, believe something so painfully that you have no choice but to follow? i kind of wish i knew, but maybe my ignorance is bliss enough.



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