June 14, 2014


nola: look at my derpy robot!

May 24, 2014


paul: i just broke the dimensional rift with plasma.

May 23, 2014


paul: i just used non-euclidean geometry to hax.

May 22, 2014


the dolls are endlessly entertaining.

nola: i'm sorry, guys, i have to go to work.
nola: i have to work at home depot.
me: did i just hear you say you have to work at home depot?
nola: [heavy sigh]
nola: not me.
me: oh, of course.


if i didn't know she was playing with her dolls, i would be very puzzled.

nola: where you do live?
nola: i live in hawaii.
nola: where do you live?
nola: in the sea!
nola: where do you live?
nola: arendelle.
nola: where do you live?
nola: arendelle.
nola: where do you live?
nola: arendelle.
nola: i live in hawaii, you live in the sea and all of you live in arendelle?
nola: yes.

May 18, 2014


unless i am mistaken, nola's doctor-barbie appeared to be explaining to a bunch of ponies about eczema and dry skin.

April 6, 2014

overheard (and also. damn.)

paul: DUDE.
paul: i don't take turns in terms of winning.

January 4, 2014


nola: [to self] i am a grown-up.
nola: i don't have any homework.

October 19, 2013


experimenting with a balloon, string and paperclips:

paul: [shriek]
paul: ignore my screams.
paul: DANGIT!

September 20, 2013


paul: they mix animation with texture packs for absolutely stunning graphics.

September 1, 2013

overheard (not really)

as reported to me by a person amused with his cleverness:

paul: i don't know that like a boss.
cam: well, do you know it like an employee?

paul was also tickled.

May 27, 2013


playing scribblenauts in the backseat:

nola: how do you spell "diamond armor zombie," paul?
paul: [watching videos] ask daddy.
nola: daddy, how do you spell "diamond zombie"?
cam: diamond zombie?
nola: yes.
cam: D I A M O N D space Z O M B I E.
[cam's spelling aloud interspersed with nola's "wait," "okay," and repeated letters.]
nola: [sounds of scuffle]
nola: [indignantly] I can't kill him!

May 17, 2013


paul: [at computer] ahhh!
paul: i kicked the bucket!
nola: what bucket?
paul: kicked the bucket.
paul: it's an idiom meaning, "i died."

March 24, 2013


on the phone:

paul: i'll give it to you the next time i come over.
paul: patience is the key.
cam: [laughing from other room]

March 23, 2013


paul: WHAT THE!

March 16, 2013

overheard (and also oy)

watching the video for one direction's "one way or another (teenage kicks)":

nola: i like it when he's naked in the shower.

maybe we do watch too much youtube here.

March 10, 2013


on the phone with a friend:

paul: [boyish giggles]
paul: lol
paul: [giggles]
paul: epic fail
paul: [giggles]
paul: i'm practicing my parkour
paul: [humming]
paul: spleefing with locked chests... because they degrade
paul: [more giggles]
paul: yah! yah! yah!
paul: snowball fight!
paul: lol
paul: YES!
paul: i speed-run-styled the whole thing!
paul: you fly hacker!

i'm not joking when i tell people that my son talks like the internet.

January 26, 2013


paul: DUDE!
paul: [angry sigh] i said NO ENCHANTMENTS!

screaming minecrafter on phone.

January 19, 2013


nola: i'm doing parkour, daddy!

November 11, 2012


playing a disney game online about animals:

nola: [look of extreme disbelief] what?
nola: octopuses don't lay eggs!
nola: only birds lay eggs.
nola: ... and dinosaurs!

November 4, 2012


nola: one two three four!
nola: i wish you come back to me... more!

October 28, 2012


nola: if you say magic words, i'll disappear.
nola: [heavy sigh]
nola: presto!
nola: i disappear! [rolling off couch]
paul: really, nola?

October 27, 2012


paul: nola, you are one lucky kid.

October 21, 2012


nola: the sign says, "no messing around in the movie theater"
paul: what does "messing around" mean?
nola: [outraged] PAUL!
nola: you know what messing around means!
paul: no, what does messing around in minecraft mean?
nola: oh.
paul: no placing and destroying blocks?
paul: no flying?
nola: yes.
paul: what about practicing?
paul: can I stand in front of the screen and pretend I'm in the movie?
nola: let me check the computer.

September 1, 2012


nola, again playing minecraft alone with two ipads:

nola: take that!
nola: i am a bad guy!

August 28, 2012


playing minecraft by herself with two ipads:

nola: there you are.
nola: hi mommy!
nola: i'm going to kill you.
nola: [maniacal laughter]

April 6, 2012


paul: draw swirlies or something.

[children drawing furiously]

nola: i win.
paul: there is no winning in art.
paul: just draw what your mind tells you.

[children drawing furiously]

paul: i win.

June 13, 2011


paul: nola, fight me!
paul: i'm vulnerable!

May 23, 2011


nola: horse, i need ladder.

November 10, 2010


x: this is the time of year that mother nature goes through menopause.
y: menopause?
x: you know, she has hot flashes, goes up and down...
y: i don't think i have ever thought of it that way before.

August 17, 2010


inspecting the wares of the avatar marketplace:

paul: those are all made of lego!
cam: no, that's just how graphics looked when i was kid.

July 2, 2010


x: do you know that show - "that girl"?
y: what?
x: "that girl."
x: it's about a girl who moves to new york and...
y: "felicity"?
x: no no no, this is old school!

amusingly enough, i think this came up because of me. i guess i have a marlo thomas vibe? i take that as a compliment.

December 11, 2009


x: you must have really messed up.
y: what?
x: you must have really messed up if you got flowers.
y: oh no, it's her birthday weekend.
x: oh.
y: this wouldn't be enough -- i don't mess up often, but when i do, it's gotta be big.
x: like what?
x: what do you have to do if you mess up?
y: dinner.
x: and it's gotta be an expensive one, i bet.
x: [to unmarried coworker] see what you have to look forward to?
x: when you get married, it's nothing but a downward slope.

December 8, 2009


x: i asked him, "are you hurt or injured?"
x: and he said, "what's the difference?"
y: [laughter]
y: if you're hurt, you play.
y: if you're injured, you don't play.
x: that's about it!

really? that's the distinction?

November 21, 2009

occasionally I am overheard

me: [pointing at duplo mailbox] this makes me think of the crying of lot 49.
random man: i've never heard about thomas pynchon at target before.
me: [running away]


paul: daddy, it looks almost like a cruise missile!

September 30, 2009


x: are you losing weight?
y: no.
x: are you getting bigger pants?
y: yes.
z: hey, that's smart!
z: wait, no, he's losing weight -- you know how i can tell?
z: his stomach isn't hanging over the keyboard tray anymore!

August 21, 2009


boy: what are duplos?
dad: those are like legos for babies.
boy: but what about regular legos?
dad: those are for people who know better than to swallow them.

August 14, 2009


x: the menu sounds interesting today.
[murmured agreement - multiple people]
y: i saw something on there -- "chicken jerk?"
z: "chicken jerk"? oh, jerk chicken!
[general laughter]
x: it's like.... asshole poultry or something!

July 31, 2009


the last thing the horse wants to do is go over a cliff!

May 7, 2009


cam: [asleep] hi... can i get a bowl of chili?

April 27, 2009


paul: daddy, where do my eyelids go when i open my eyes?

April 11, 2009


paul: the enemy of protoraptor is n-o-l-a.

October 19, 2008


paul: can you carry a house?
cam: only a small house.

April 10, 2008


x: are you ready for the meeting?
y: [silence]
x: the meeting's from 1-2.
y: [silence]
y: well, i'll be damned.

i take it that it is safe to say that you are not ready for the meeting?

March 30, 2008


paul: the funnel cloud moves over the texas panhandle...

February 8, 2008


"do you want to go on the maury povich show and get a paternity test to see if you're really the babydaddy?"

January 8, 2008


"i don't know how anyone can spend that much money on a purse."

i can. and sweet jesus, i would if i could.

November 30, 2007


x: what?
y: you just made me laugh.
x: that's my goal, man - to make you laugh.
x: that way you won't run away when you see me coming.

November 9, 2007


i've got several hot irons in the fire.

who talks like this?

October 31, 2007


x: okay, what don't i know?
y: hmph.
y: don't even get me started.

October 25, 2007


x: at least i don't live next door to a meth lab.
y: no, that meth lab is gone, thank you very much.
y: ...and the others that were near me have all exploded.

September 28, 2007


x: oh my god.
x: y, come here.
x: you have an email from MY mother.

September 6, 2007


x: that's why i didn't have a college fund.
x: my mother thought my dad would be dead before then.


x: it takes two people to be in a relationship.
y: not for some people!

August 3, 2007


cam: you think this looks like mommy?
paul: yes.

i had to investigate. they were looking at a poster of death of the endless (yes, cam does own such a poster).

me: thanks!

sweet paul. i wish i were that cute.

July 8, 2007


cam: nuts do bad things to the people i love.
cam: that's why nuts are not my friends.
paul: but pizza is your friend?

June 14, 2007


"let me go get the whipped cream."

it's not even 10:30 in the morning. whipped cream?

March 25, 2007


paul: i want tylenol, too!
cam: are you sick?
paul: i'm still a little sick.
paul: i have THOSE hiccups.
cam: THOSE hiccups? [laughing]
cam: you don't need tylenol for that.
cam: you can just have water for THOSE hiccups.

March 20, 2007


paul: here comes trouble.
cam: are you trouble?
paul: [seriously] no.

March 16, 2007


x: let's mate our dogs.
y: my dog's not like that.

February 25, 2007


at the theater:

x: i tried to be nice, but i'm leaving.
x: i can see why you don't have a ring on your finger.
x: you're a bitch.
y: why would i have a ring on my finger?
y: i'm a lesbian.
x: whatever.
x: you're such a bitch.
x: i'm leaving.

cam: what did i miss?

February 15, 2007


now that i have a dog, i just can't seem to work seven and a half hours.

January 10, 2007


that would be a good fight -- a t-rex and a minotaur.

January 2, 2007


x: [loud sneeze]
y, z: [laughter and indistinct conversation]
x: i do cover my mouth when i sneeze.
x: i can't help it if i sneeze loud.
y: yes, you can.
x: how?
y: cut your nose off.

January 1, 2007

electric guitar hero worship

paul: i am not good at guitar hero.
paul: you are good at it because you always win.
paul: and i don't win.
cam: that's okay.
cam: it is a big game for you.
cam: i think it is at least 8 and up.
cam: and you are only 3.

November 14, 2006


x: it's a zero productivity day today!

for certain members of my department, it appears to be zero productivity day every fucking day.

November 10, 2006


x: i like benny hill, but i can't always understand what he says!
y: oh yeah, it can be hard to understand.
x: yeah, the accents...
y: but i like monty python, which is very dry, very sophisticated humor.
y: and sometimes people say to me, "why are you laughing? that wasn't even funny."

it always amuses me when people pat themselves on the back for their senses of humor. god knows i do it often enough.

November 9, 2006


x: i can see why [your husband] calls you the ball and chain.

November 7, 2006


x: did you vote?
y: no.
x: why?
y: i'm afraid to vote -- they will pull me into jury duty!

so funny. just this morning i told cam that if he votes, he'll get jury duty (he's never had to report). wonder how many people use that as an excuse to stay away from the polls?

September 28, 2006


x: we have errands to run.
y: we do?
y: oh yeah, we have to go to the atm.
y: what else?
x: we have to go [indistinct speech]
x: ... and we have to buy tissue.
y: wait, i don't want to go with you because you're sick!
x: if you don't come with me, i will touch you.
y: what?
y: if i do go with you...
x: i will not touch you.

August 31, 2006


it borders on the ridiculous. it just borders on the ridiculous.

it sounds like someone just learned a new phrase and is really enjoying the use of it.

August 18, 2006


x: still bowling?
y: yes, in fact last night i got 120.
y: so it's going up -- slowly.
y: still taking lessons.
x: good!
x: so you're keeping it over 100?
y: yes, yes.
y: for me, that's phenomenal.

what does this mean? i don't speak this strange language, bowling. yuck.

July 26, 2006


x: did your kids do the myspace on the computer?

i can't believe x is my age. do i sound that ancient?

June 29, 2006


x: ... and so ___ said that the colors were wrong and wanted me to fix them.
x: but i'm colorblind.
y: really?
x: yeah. so i wanted to say, "um, you want to check the colors, you might actually want to get someone who can see them..."

April 21, 2006


"i like my raccoon. kind of like my possum, too."

April 5, 2006


paul: [pointing at green-striped shirt] look!
cam: whose shirt is that?
paul: mommy!
cam: and what is mommy's name when she wears that shirt?
paul: steve!

February 26, 2006


paul: look, look!
cam: what naughty thing are you doing now?
paul: standing!
cam: what are you standing on, your bed?
paul: fence.
cam: the fence? are you undecided?

February 21, 2006


x: ... and i think she was a late bloomer.
y: huh?
x: if you take a look at her tatas between [this movie] and [that movie], they are significantly bigger.

February 4, 2006


"i may be a kid, but i know my [adrienne] barbeau."

February 3, 2006


x: you mean horses go to those shows and do all that work and don't get any flowers? i think i'd complain.
y: nope, just a piece of silk ribbon.
x: no flowers?
y: who wants dead cut flowers?

February 1, 2006


while watching google video:

paul: like it!
cam: you like watching people burn books?

January 27, 2006


x: [on phone] y said that i was supposed to notify you if his desk thing is stuck under the desk. the desk thing. the plastic desk thing.
x: [calling out to y in his office] y, is there anything else you want to tell them? i have the man on the phone.
z: [randomly walking by x's desk] you're talking to THE man? what does he sound like?

January 25, 2006


cam: do you want to spin? walking sideways isn't going to make you dizzy.

January 4, 2006


watching blue's clues.

joe: ... what is the first letter of your name?
paul: [silence]
cam: what is the first letter of your name?
paul: apple!
cam: apple paul, huh? what is the first letter of joe's name?
paul: apple!
cam: apple joe! so... you two have the same first name?

December 12, 2005


"all the secretaries are safe because we can't afford to eat there."
(re: recent hepatitis a outbreak at cafe pinot in downtown los angeles)

November 23, 2005


"you mean you never got your hair sucked into a hair dryer by accident?"

November 22, 2005


"it's not your retro, it's my retro."

November 1, 2005


one: did you have a good halloween?
two: yes, i did. did you throw candy at the kids?
one: we ran out of candy, so we...
two: how did you run out of candy?
one: long story. so we started giving them chex mix...
two: kids won't take unwrapped...
one: no, these were...
two: oh, you mean individually wrapped little packages.
one: yes. and they liked them. i didn't expect that.
two: everyone loves chex mix!

don't they sound like a commercial?

October 27, 2005


one: been listening to "man of la mancha." it's surprisingly poppy for a '50s musical.
two: i don't think i've heard it.
one: there's a surprisingly good movie version with peter o'toole.
two: oh, that would be why. i'm not a fan of his.
one: what?
two: yeah, i know, i'm in the minority.
one: [fake british accent] i don't think i can associate with you any longer!
two: i think he overacted and overdid it.
one: if i were going to be stranded in a bar, it would have to be with either richard burton or peter o'toole.
two: oh, i don't think richard burton overdid things.

i have a headache. i need to close my door.

update: i mentioned this conversation to my assistant and he said, "funny, i was just listening to man of la mancha on my ipod." dear god. what planet have i landed on?

September 16, 2005

overheard (and seen)

cam: do you want a pop[sicle]?
paul: ha-ha-ha
cam: you want a pop?
paul: ha-ha-ha
cam: say yes...
paul: [signing "yes"]

why does my son have an aversion to that word?

July 9, 2005


cam: dad is not a horse. dad is not for spurring. no spurring of dad.

June 19, 2005


overheard in the bathroom at work:

“having two days off in a row feels almost like a whole week’s vacation!”

reason #7562 i am not an attorney. ugh.



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